Dealing (Carefully and Slowly) with a 'Lying Spirit'

I am subject to a delusional psychosis, which is often religious in quality. I am however reconciled to the fact that no part of the tradition Orthodox-Catholic gives credence to delusion or any process causing false belief.

In fine, delusion is a "lying spirit" (cf. 1 Kings 22:22-23; 2 Chronicles 18:21-22); any what-is-true most aptly is divine Logos; any belief conducive to falsehood, in other words, no matter how deceptively pious, is of Evil in the Judaeo-Christian tradition. This position in principle is not hard for me to accept, but in practice when I am decompensated difficult to follow, as what is true appears oftentimes to be false, and what is false true.

Theology aside, it is humiliating to think that I can be this far from reality when feeling precisely a Sublime Notion, which seemingly cannot not-be-true-- but is false nonetheless. What seems to happen when delusion sets in is a positing based on wishful thinking, not unpleasant to experience, but 'fabulous' (by which I denote 'mythic.')

I have tried much of my adult life to control this potential for false belief, and short of declaring religion to be worthless as usually constituted for reality-testing, I simply have to say that my 'spiritual walk' is unconventional, not at all like the legend of getting-religion-getting-cured-instantly.

I need a form of creed which is more than nothing, and which at the same time provides keys for being a real and reality-seeking person. Ethically, Christianity is just fine; what is problematic is its prophetic overload, and its (for some) charismatic mandate.

There is a noetic tradition here and there in Christian logotics which addresses the problems of the person experiencing 'lying spirit,' albeit not much in Protestantism (except for the work of Anton Boison); I refer to the work of (St.) John of the Cross and (St.) Teresa of Avila, which vigorously deals with altered-states-of-consciousness (and mostly by way of prevention of ecstatic experience.) The letters of (Pseudo-) Dionysius also speak to eschewing heavily theological cognition, which seems to point in the direction of John-Cross and Teresa-Avila in the point just made.

I am not even sure that in the end I can control false assumption; what seems to 'work' best is avoiding humiliation, and stress generally, and maintaining habitual antipsychotic medication ingest-- and avoiding all concrete/literal religious thinking.

It even occurs to me that the psychotic 'walks' a decidedly different path than one who needs/does spice up life with ecstasy. For me and those like me it is neither creative nor healthy to make the thrill thus identified a desideratum.

As I can, and as I settle into a mode of mental-self-management, I shall try to pursue the phenomenology of this modal logic sans 'revelation' in favor of 'reasonable postulation.' I have avoided this topic for some time, somewhat out of fear (and trembling!) and partly as a matter of kairological timing. If I am successful in mapping out this reasonable domain, perhaps I can help myself, help other psychotics to have a way out of this seeming mental quagmire.

--Vernon Lynn Stephens